Love Addiction and Relationship Addiction

On Love Addiction
by Lorna Hochstein, Ph.D.

Love addiction? What is love addiction? How can I be addicted to love? Perhaps this is what some of you are thinking as you read the title of this essay. Others of you might well be moaning, "Not another addiction. . .! Please God, not another 12 Step program." I understand. There have been moments when I have thought all these things myself. But while I am not unalterably convinced that such an entity as "love addiction" actually exists, it is true that I also find the idea quite helpful when I think about women's relationships and the way we get into and remain in relationships. Genuine addiction or not, the concept of "love addiction" certainly provides insights into common, if unsatisfying ways we relate to both being single and being in partnership.

Let me begin by saying that the phrase "love addiction" is a misnomer. Genuine love is knowing and being known by another person. It is about building intimacy through honesty and sharing of oneself. An addiction, however, is antithetical to intimacy; an addiction necessarily involved behaviors and mental sets which push genuine love and intimacy away. An addiction dulls both positive and painful feeling sand prevents us from knowing ourself. We cannot share what we do no know, and thus genuine intimacy cannot thrive where an addiction is present. Thus, a "love addiction" is about pseudo love, about the external, stereotypic appearance of love. It is not about love. While a love addict may look as if she is pursuing intimacy with a vengeance, she is, in fact, running away from intimacy as fast as she can. Love addiction is about unhealthy dependency and about poor self esteem. It is about a fear of abandonment and about an impaired sense of identify. It is about holding on to a relationship at all costs. It is not about loving too much. We are able to depend on another too much, we are able to cling to another too much, we are able to give another women too much responsibility for our life and happiness. We cannot love too much; genuine love is never bad and can never harm us.

So what is a love or relationship addiction and who is a love addict? A love addict is a woman who substitutes an unhealthy and mood altering relationship with a process (i.e. relationship) for a healthy, life giving relationship with another person. An addict is a person who puts this unhealthy relationship at center of her life. This relationship with a mood altering process is an addiction. My own rule of thumb is that a person is addicted to a relationship if being in that relationship had clear negative effects on her life and she continues in the relationship regardless of the effects.

There seem to be two basic types of love addicts. The first type of addict is a woman who addicted to the ideal of simply being in any relationship any relationship at all. This addict is hooked on the idea of being part of a couple regardless of who her partner actually is. The second type of love addict is the woman who is addicted to a particular relationship or a particular partner. This woman is able to function well when she is not romantically involved, but gets hooked on a certain woman and becomes less functional when involved with that woman. Let me give you an example of the second type.

Susan came to therapy to "end" a relationship which had, in fact, ended months before. Susan had dated a co worker, Mary, for several weeks when Mary decided she no longer wanted to pursue a relationship with Susan. Mary was clear with Susan that for her, it was over. Although Susan had dated Mary for only a month, she was devastated. She needed Mary. For the next year Susan followed Mary in her car. Once she skipped work to follow Mary to an out of town trip, and received a reprimand, her first, for missing an important meeting without even notifying her boss. Susan drove by Mary's house frequently and hung around her office at work just to catch a glimpse of her. Once she snuck into Mary's office and went through Mary's appointment calendar looking for possible "date." Once Susan met Mary on the street after Mary had been drinking. Mary threatened Susan and scared her a great deal. But Susan still could not stop her behavior. When Mary changed jobs and moved away, Susan felt lost. She became depressed. A year later, she still finds it hard to put thoughts of Mary out of her mind. Susan was addicted to Mary. Once she managed to break her addiction to Mary, she functioned well at home and at work. She did not feel desperate for a relationship. But she knows it can happen again.

Please understand that Susan is not crazy. She is a fine, intelligent, decent woman. She genuinely longs for intimacy. She genuinely longs for intimacy. While her behavior may seem a bit extreme, there are too many of us who, like Susan, violate our values and disrupt our lives in order to be in romantic relationship; there are too many of us who, like Susan, depend on another woman for the source of self esteem, self value, purpose and meaning in life. It's all a matter of degree.

It is important to know that love addiction is not infatuation; it is not the limerance phase of a relationship. Sometimes a love addiction initially looks like an infatuation or the simple act of "falling in love". The difference is that a woman who is simply "in love" knows she has her own life to live with or without her partner. She retains a sense of her own identity and personal power and does not look solely to her beloved for a purpose and meaning, this is not true of a woman in an addictive relationship.

How to Get Pregnant With Twins

Many couples want to get pregnant with twins. It may seem ideal if you only want two children. Having two children that grow up side by side to experience the milestones of life at the same age may seem perfect. You'll get through the diaper period all at one. If you are interested in getting pregnant with twins, there are a few things that you can do to increase your chances of having a multiple birth. Follow these steps that may help increase your chances.

Instructions

1. Step 1

   Choose a partner that is a twin. Twins are more likely to have fraternal twins so partnering with a twin may increase your chances of getting pregnant with twins.

2. Step 2

   Wait until you are of advanced maternal age to have children. The older you are, the more likely you are two have twins. Women over age 35 are more likely to have twins.

3. Step 3

   Set up an appointment with a fertility specialist. A fertility specialist can prescribe medications and treatments that can increase your chances of having a multiple birth.

4. Step 4

   Gain weight. The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology recently released a study that showed women with a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 30 or higher had an increased chance of having twins.

5. Step 5

   Eat yams. According to the the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs, eating yams can increase your chances of having twins. Yams are thought to have chemicals that cause women to ovulate more which can increase your risk of having multiples.

Would A Bank Sleep With You? Understanding Credit As A Relationship

Throughout my years working as a banker, I found out an interesting analogy between your credit behaviours and how ones can manage his/her relationship. Today I will write a 25 years old man; Stephen (the customer) and a nice young lady of the same age; Lara (the bank). In this first part, I will write about building this relationship. On part two, I will explain how people can ruin it. So let’s see what happens when Stephen meets Lara. Remember, credit is all about trust.

Don’t try to sleep with her the very first night (credit history)If Stephen is trying to hard on the first night, Lara may be scared and may want to put an end to the relationship before it even starts. When you have no credit history and you are trying to get a credit card, a car loan, a mortgage and a flex line for your renovation at your very first meeting at the bank, you will be declined in a heart beat. Bank, just as Lara, likes to know more about who they are dealing with. Some banks might lend you the money without any questions on the very first date, but be careful, you might end-up with a huge bills in interest and other charges. Those kind of girls are expensive and so are banks. Be a reliable friend (experience with other lenders) Let’s assume that Stephen is a real gentlemen and that he did not try to push things with Lara. After a couple of dates, Lara is starting to get interested in Stephen. This is when she will ask her friends and maybe his friends to know more about him. She will pull out his “relationship bureau” to see if he had any issues in the past. Lara is not necessarily looking for long term relationship with his ex-girlfriend but more about his trustworthiness. By asking friends about their perception of Stephen, Lara will have a good idea if Stephen is reliable, honest and sincere. Be on time, buy flowers, be consistent (general credit behaviours) Stephen is now in a relationship with Lara (man, it’s not an easy job to keep her happy!). They have been together for a few months and things are going good. Stephen is never coming late from work and he his always ready when they have to go out. He buys her flowers and other nice gifts for her birthday and other occasions. But the most important part, he is honest and consistent. Lara truly believes him and he says that he loves her. Fortunately, banks are not that demanding In fact, they just want to make sure that you are making all your payment on time and that you don’t lie about your source of income and your assets. As long as you can proof that you are a honest man, both Lara and the bank will trust you back. As you can see, building a strong credit score is not that hard. It requires time, consistency and honesty. I admit that human relationships are more complicated. But in the end, it all comes down to trustworthiness.

How Do People Become Gay?

We are frequently asked, "How does someone become homosexual?" The question implies that all are born heterosexual and some "become" homosexual somewhere along the way. I believe that implication to be inaccurate.

It is apparent that homosexuality does not have one particular "cause." It is not purely genetic in origin, for instance, because the very twin studies (Bailey and Pillard) that some interpreted as "proving" a purely genetic origin of homosexuality actually "disproved" it, because only 52% of identical twins of homosexual persons were also homosexual. If homosexuality were dependent on a particular "gay gene," both twins should have possess that gene, and thus there should have been a 100% correspondence.

Significant Link Between Biology and Homosexuality

However, the study (and others like it) did find a highly significant link between biology and homosexuality, as the incidence of homosexuality in the general population is much lower than 52%. Personal experience corroborates this link because among my homosexual acquaintances I know of several families in which a number of relatives are also homosexual. In one case, for instance (see Gay Sons), a father who believed that he had "become" homosexual because he had been allowed to play like a girl and had grown up without strong bonding with his father tried to make very sure that his son did not grow up gay. So he spent a lot of time with him and made sure that he only played "boy" games with "boy" toys. In spite of all this effort, the son also turned out to be gay.

From my wider studies, I conclude that a person finds him/herself with a homosexual orientation as a result of the interplay of several factors, including heredity, prenatal influence (a controversial subject, but with not only animal studies but some human studies to back it), and environmental factors such as childhood trauma or being brought up and conditioned as a member of the opposite sex. The latter is the background of a significant number of lesbians, for instance.

Ultra-conservative Christians and gay theologians appear to agree that a genetic origin of homosexuality has moral significance. Ultra-conservatives claim that homosexuality has no basis in genetics and is therefore a morally culpable choice. Gay theologians argue that homosexuality is genetic and is therefore morally correct.

I disagree with this basic reasoning.

Genetic Traits Are Not Necessarily Morally Good

Hereditary tendencies may be toward morally positive or negative behavior. The fact that I inherited a strong streak of selfishness and a bad temper does not sanctify these traits, for instance. While we are not responsible for our heredity, we are responsible for what we do with our heredity. And the Bible teaches that to whom much has been given, of that one, much will be required. So God requires no more of one than the other – a daily submission to His will. (Luke 9:23)

While there seems to be strong evidence to point to a biological link to a homosexual orientation, it is also very likely that, for some people, a homosexual orientation develops as a result of psycho-sociological factors. In other words, for some, homosexual orientation may be altogether environmentally caused. (Conservative Christians have generally taken the stance that all homosexuality is environmentally caused.) I believe this to be especially true of lesbianism, as there is little, if any, evidence to point to biological origins. Yet, environmentally caused homosexuality is not experienced any differently than biologically caused homosexuality. In either case, persons find themselves with an overwhelming desire to be intimate with members of the same sex when the whole world says that the normal attraction is to the opposite sex. Despite the testimony of some in today's generation who say they experience no feeling that this is "wrong," I believe that most, if not all, gay persons do experience this feeling initially. Thus, they do not choose to be attracted to the same sex any more than the rest of us have chosen to be attracted to the opposite sex.

Homosexuality is Not a Choice

In summary, homosexuality is not "caused" by a choice. Some heterosexual men choose to engage in homosexual encounters and then go back to their wives and the enjoyment of a heterosexual sex. The young man who serviced their needs in some public washroom simply shakes his head in wonder that such a thing is possible, for he cannot conceive of such a choice. Several of my homosexual friends have acknowledged that they know men who have chosen to engage in same-gender sex exclusively -- and thus appeared to "become" homosexual. But this is not the case for the majority. In fact, not a few gay people are somewhat judgmental of those they call "bisexual" -- people who can relate sexually to either gender and enjoy it.

SEXUALITIES

Sex, Love, Money and AIDS: The Dynamics of Premarital Sexual Relationships in Ghana

Augustine Ankomah

University of Wales, Swansea

Empowering women, especially in developing countries, in AIDS prevention is one of the most important strategies in slowing down the AIDS pandemic. However, the different contexts within which young women are exhorted to embark on HIV risk-reduction sexual behaviors and the difficulties involved are often not fully explored. The article highlights the apparent powerlessness of young women in premarital sexual exchange relationships in urban Ghana where many sexual relationships are contracted with material gain in mind. Using qualitative methods, the article explores the concept of sexual exchange where sexual services are exchanged for material gain - a situation quite different from prostitution, as it is understood in Europe or America. Given that women engage in sexual exchange mainly for financial reasons, the article concludes by arguing that improving women's economic status to enable them to advance their occupational careers, although highly desirable, is perhaps not enough to empower women without substantial change in contemporary societal norms which support sexual exchange.